Personal Flaws

            I don’t know you, but I can assume you are a flawed individual. We are all flawed in some way.  I am most certainly flawed and can point out a few flaws, but those who know me can point out quite a few more. Why are we so blinded to our own flaws? Jesus touches on this when he talks about sin and how we should remove the plank out of our eye before confronting someone else about the speck in theirs. And it is true. We could have a major, glaring flaw and not even notice it or think it is worth removal, but someone else could have a minor flaw and we will stop at nothing until that speck is gone.

            I see this in the workplace; people giving other people “helpful” advice that they themselves won’t even try. And I most certainly see it in my marriage. I could tell you every flaw that my husband has. Some of them you would agree with and some you may not think are even that big of a deal, but they are flaws none the less.

            It is so difficult to see our own flaws, much like it is difficult to see the other side of an argument. Many people claim to be open minded and they are until you have a discussion or debate with them. All of a sudden it is their way or no way. My husband will bring this up when we argue. He will tell me that I feel I am always right, but who doesn’t think they are right? Would you believe something you thought was wrong? All of our confidence could be based on lies, but we will have the confidence as long as we believe those lies. If we didn’t think we were right we would believe something else and then we would think we were right.

            As you can tell by my blog, one of my flaws is rambling. I can ramble on about nothing and can speak rather quickly when nervous. I notice it when I am nervous, but I don’t see it most of the time. My husband points it out, but sometimes I wonder if I really do it. Do I ramble that much in conversation? I don’t notice it, but he does. Does anyone else? I hope not, but then I start to wonder if I ramble in interviews. Is it that flaw that prevents me from getting a job? Am I being sabotaged by a flaw I can’t even see?

            Sometimes I feel we are lucky we can’t see out flaws. I think we are happier and less self conscious because of our ignorance. I hate it when my husband points out my flaws because it affects the way I think, talk, and act. I worry that others are thinking, “Man, I wish this girl would shut up.” And I’m sure my comments to him leave him feeling in a similar way. So while I believe it is kind of nice to be blinded to our flaws, I sometimes wish it was easier to see our flaws and more difficult to see the flaws of others. I think we would be nicer people because we would be able to embrace our imperfections and forgive the imperfections of others.

            However, this is not life. In life we tend to ignore or excuse our flaws while wanting to place a spotlight on the flaws of others. I think we need to just focus on ourselves. We should take Jesus’ advice and fix our flaws and just ignore those of others. We know how badly it hurts to have someone point out our flaws; do we really want to do that to others? I try to believe I have tact, but tact does not entirely change the affect the comments many have.

Disney's Frozen

Frozen, the best Disney princess movie since the last Disney princess movie, or so I have been told. I have seen the movie and I like it, but it was not my favorite Disney movie. “Let it Go” was the only real noteworthy song in the movie and there were a few questions I would have liked answers too, but overall it was a cute movie. And I think that it has many great messages in it as well such as accepting oneself as you are, but while some champion the Disney film because a man did not have to save the princess, I see the movie as being far from a feminist victory.

Let me say before I begin, I am a feminist. In fact, I am more of a feminist that many who claim to be because while many modern feminists seem to believe that a woman’s strength is found in her appearance I believe that a woman’s strength and power is found through her mind. And that is the very problem that I have found with Frozen.

Anna seems like a typical girl. She seems like a normal teenager, especially one who has been sheltered and locked away from the world. She is boy crazy and in love with the idea of love, but she is also clumsy. She can hold her own, but she does not do so with grace. She falls down and makes a fool out of herself on more than one occasion. And even when she succeeds at something (stopping the wolves) it seems more like luck than skill.  

Why can’t she be strong, smart, and graceful? Why does Disney feel the need to make their recent princesses so clumsy? Even Rapunzel was a little clumsy hitting herself in the head with the frying pan. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love Tangled, but it seems being an airhead is something that Disney finds appealing. I have seen too many girls play dumb because they think it is cute. It’s not cute and we should not want our daughters to believe that it is cute. We should encourage our daughters to be strong, smart, pretty, graceful, and confident.

I understand that characters need to have some flaws because we, as people, are flawed and would be unable to relate to a perfect character; I just feel that the characters should have varied flaws so that those flaws do not perpetuate stereotypes.

In closing, this is just something I was thinking about while watching the movie. Do I believe this movie is detrimental to young girls? No. I think it is a cute movie with fantastic animation, a couple of nice songs, and many great messages.

Being Mad at the Church

It’s Sunday again and so that means church is on my mind. Church is on my mind a lot, not just on Sundays, but I was thinking about it just now and so I decided to write about it. I really want to find a church because right now I feel very angry at the church and I don’t want that anger to stay. People at church just seem like phonies.  

            I began going to church in high school and it was easy to see then. So many people that claimed to be Christians would be mean to me or ignore me or worse yet be my friend at church, but not at school.  I was on the Fellowship of Christian Athletes board at my high school and even the people there would typically ignore me. I attended the Bible studies all year and rather than sit with me someone would ask if a seat was taken and when I said no they would take the seat and move to a different table and so I sat alone while the other tables overflowed.

            My husband had a similar experience at Christian school and so he doesn’t even want to go to church because some of the meanest people he has ever met have been from that Christian school. Yes all of this happened among kids over a decade ago, but those kids have now grown up and some of them are leading the church and I am treated roughly the same way.

            And yet even that is not what makes me so angry. My anger stems from a boyfriend I had after high school. He was the worship leader of my youth group and twice my age. He had been flirting with me and complimenting me since I was about 16, but was smart enough to wait until I was 18 to ask me out. I had known him for years and he was the worship leader and so of course I was thrilled to be asked out by him.  I had terrible self-esteem and so pretty much anyone could have asked me out and I would not have said no. I had never had a boyfriend before. I had never even held hands with anyone and so I was excited.

            It took me a while to realize that he was the biggest phony of all. He was, and probably still is, an alcoholic. The church knew it when they hired him, but they wanted to make him an example of God’s redemption. He then had an affair with his best-friend’s wife, but after a short time the church still took him back because God forgives again and again. And again they gave him to the youth group.

            The church turned their back on me because I left him for another man. I found someone who wasn’t an alcoholic and who wouldn’t make me feel worthless. I tried to warn the church, but the pastor hung up on him because the word of a known adulterer and alcoholic was worth more than the teenager who had been on overseas missions, was in the choir, worker in the nursery, and on the Missions board.

            He ended up getting married. He married someone even younger than me. When they started dating he was 40 something and she was still a teenager. The thing is how could the church not think this is wrong?  I am only 28, that is over 10 years younger than he was when we started dating, and I can’t even imagine dating an 18 year old. We would have nothing in common. It is disgusting to think about. He was a vile individual and the church put him in leadership that gave him the platform to prey on girls. He and his wife divorced a year after their marriage began. I don’t know the details of their marriage at all. Sometimes I have thought about contacting his ex just so I would know. I want to know if he was as horrible to her as he was to me. I want to know if the church could have protected her because I had warned them. I don’t know. Maybe she just realized she was too good for him. I just don’t know.

            I know all churches are not like the one I attended. I know that there are pastors who would take the complaint of a young woman seriously. I know there are churches that want to protect their youth, but there are too many that are more concerned with appearance. They wanted so badly for him to be a redemption story, but the story they got was not the one they wanted. He is no longer at that church, but he still plays music at other churches and it sickens me to think about.

            We all sin and to God sin is equal, but it doesn’t seem that way to me. To think that pastors or worship leaders could be that vile makes me not want to go to church. I wish I could find a good local church that would make me feel that the church is not full of phonies and that they really want to live out what they believe. But unfortunately, like I stated in an earlier post, finding a church that will accept us at all is a challenge.

Autism

            As I stated in an earlier post, my son has autism. I don’t believe in the hype about autism being caused by vaccines. Yes my son was vaccinated, but he seemed different from birth. He never wanted to sleep alone, would only sleep in a velcro swaddle blanket, and as he got older he would head bang, was obsessed with anything that would spin, and just didn’t seem interested in things most kids his age would be interested it. The diagnosis came as no real surprise because I had noticed so many peculiarities about him, but because he is high-functioning I sometimes wonder if he has autism or if there is something I could do or could have done that simply makes him appear to have autism.

So many people tell me it is simply that I have spoiled him since birth and sometimes I wonder if that could be true. I don’t think it is, but I still wonder if some of his difficulties are my own doing. I really did try to make him sleep alone, but he would cry for hours. I mean literal hours, not five minutes that felt like hours, but real hours. He would not stop even once he was being held. Now at five he is just now transitioning to not being afraid to sleep alone.

The sleeping alone thing is something that bothers my husband and I, but we tend not to mention to others. But unfortunately he has behaviors that are impossible to hide, such as lying down while we are shopping. If I stop to look at something he is on the floor. He does not just sit, he spreads out and it does not matter if it is wet or dirty. When he was just learning to walk I would make him sit down at my feet sometimes if he was too active that day. Did I create this bad habit? I try everything to get him to not lie down, but he always does it. The behavior could be bearable if other people would just keep their mouths shut, but they never do. I am amazed at how many parenting experts I have met in my lifetime!

Perhaps it is because of these “experts” that I am so insecure about being a parent. Do you ever wonder whether or child’s bad habits or peculiarities are because of something you have done? I love my son more than anything is this world and I fear that he is going to have a rough road ahead of him because of these and other difficulties. I hate the feeling that I could have, in any way, caused any of these difficulties.

            I know that I should not feel that way. I have read numerous studies about the cause of autism and the fact is that we just do not know. There are so many factors that may cause autism, but there is no certainty. People constantly tell me about different foods or ingredients to cut out or add to my son’s diet, but none of it helps. We were gluten free for years and there was no change in his behavior or overall health. He is in physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy and so hopefully in time we will be able to manage his symptoms a little better. But in the meantime I am just going to enjoy his strong hugs and cuddles and try to ignore all the “experts” who cross my path.

Paying Bills

            Sometimes I wish I could be more of a positive person. I just read a Facebook post by a celebrity about having to pay bills and while the majority of the comments were about how much they appreciate the star being so “real” all I could think was “at least you have the money to pay your bills.” Somehow I believe the stress that she feels paying her bills is not the same as the stress that I have. She may see the money leave her account, but she has a lot more money in that account. I highly doubt that she fears not having enough money for food or that she may not be able to make her rent or worrying that her car may not make it another mile.

            I want to be positive. I want to relate to her, but I don’t. Am I thinking about it wrong? Am I too consumed in envy? Or are the positive comments from people who think that by being positive she will respond to them and they can feel that while they are unable to pay their bills at least they have some sort of connection to a celebrity. And if it is the latter, what kind of society do we live in? Why are people so consumed with celebrity that they are willing to do anything for fame? Women are more than happy to degrade themselves and men are more than happy to play a fool. We don’t care how we find fame as long as we find it. And while I see this as a problem I am not sure that I would really decline fame if offered.  

And what would I do with fame? I would like to think that I would be a celebrity that could relate to other people and would give away much of my time and money. I would not want to be someone that lives in a golden palace and makes everyone bow when they approach me. But who knows, maybe God did not give me fame because I would be unable to handle it. Who knows? I really don’t crave fame. I don’t seek it. I really just want to be able to pay off my student loans, maintain a simple life, and be able to support my child. Essentially I just want to be able to do the very task that actress lamented: pay my bills.

“Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood

          I am a huge fan of country music. I have listened to country music since I was little and I still love it today, but not today’s country music. I find that most of today’s country music can be divided into two categories: Parody or Pop. That is why I love having SiriusXM so that I can listen to 80’s and 90’s country music and avoid today’s music. However, despite trying to avoid the music I have listened to and even enjoyed some of the music. I think Carrie Underwood has a phenomenal voice and some of her songs are catchy if not good.

            One such song is “Before He Cheats” which came out so long ago it’s probably not even considered modern anymore. But this song was one I used to sing along with on the radio and I heard it so many times that I started to think too much about the words and I started to realize the character singing the song didn’t see the guy in the bar with the girl. Everything she is singing is hypothetical. She says he’s probably doing this and the other girl is probably doing that, but she doesn’t say that she seems him. She doesn’t go inside the bar and confront him. No she vandalizes his car even carving her name into his seats. For one, that was a bad move on her part because she is going to be the first one the police question. If the guy loves his truck so much that he has it all “souped up” does she not think he would call the police? She believes he is cheating on her does she really think he would let this go?

            But that is not even my major problem with the song. Every time I hear the song an alternative story plays in my head. In my story the guy let his brother or friend use his truck and so while the truck was parked outside the bar he was at home planning the perfect proposal. He had the ring in his hand, listening to their song, and talking to her mom about the best way to propose. And while he is doing this she is vandalizing his truck. She is carving her name into his seats while he is looking at wedding bands with which to carve their names.

            The marriage obviously does not happen because he realizes she is a crazy woman who would rather shoot first and ask questions later. He decides she is not the woman with whom he desires to have children. He thought he saw his future in her eyes, but he realized in was only his reflection.

            Yes, the music video shows that the guy was cheating on her, but the song lyrics themselves do not. Every time I hear the song I just want her to go into the bar and confront him.

Unemployment

            I have not had a full time job in about six years. Six years ago I got married and shortly thereafter became pregnant with our first and only child. The pregnancy was rough from the start and I was unable to work and then he was born and I was still unable to work. He was just not the kind of child who could go to daycare. When he was really little he never wanted to be put down. I’m sure you’re thinking that most children don’t want to be put down and that I should have just let him cry it out, but there comes a time when that is just cruel. I tried that and he would scream for hours on end and would sometimes not even stop once he was being held. As he got older he still wanted the full attention and he began to show aggression and so we could not find a daycare that could handle him. He was diagnosed with autism when he was around three, but still services were just not available to us.

            He is now getting ready to turn five and next year he will start full time kindergarten. I am excited he will be able to start school and I will be able to work, but that seems to be easier said than done. I have applied for so many positions and I never seem to get one. I know I am not alone in the inability to find a job, but I just want to know why. Half the time I don’t even get an interview for a job for which I am more than qualified.  Why is that? I went to a job service place to review my resume and they found it to be adequate and were unable to help me. Could it be because I am a Christian and I don’t live in the most conservative of areas? I can’t hide my religion because my primary past employment has been in Christian stores and my university was Christian as well. Do they hire from local schools first? Am I grasping at straws trying to find an excuse for my own inadequacy? I have no answers. I am a hard worker and I enjoy the field in which I seek employment. I always go above and beyond the call of duty, but here I am not even given the chance. Sometimes I hate living here because I am certain that I could find employment elsewhere, but we cannot move for now.

            Does anyone have any advice? When asked about my gap in employment, in the few interviews I do get, I tend to tell the truth: my son has autism and I have stayed home to take care of him, but he will be starting school soon. This answer gets a few eye raises or even questions about what I would do if he were sick and who would watch him. I feel like I should just lie, but I can’t even think of a good/ realistic one and really I don’t want to lie. I am honest to a fault and I would think that would be a good thing to an employer.