As I stated in an earlier post, my son has autism. I don’t believe in the hype about autism being caused by vaccines. Yes my son was vaccinated, but he seemed different from birth. He never wanted to sleep alone, would only sleep in a velcro swaddle blanket, and as he got older he would head bang, was obsessed with anything that would spin, and just didn’t seem interested in things most kids his age would be interested it. The diagnosis came as no real surprise because I had noticed so many peculiarities about him, but because he is high-functioning I sometimes wonder if he has autism or if there is something I could do or could have done that simply makes him appear to have autism.
So many people tell me it is simply
that I have spoiled him since birth and sometimes I wonder if that could be
true. I don’t think it is, but I still wonder if some of his difficulties are
my own doing. I really did try to make him sleep alone, but he would cry for
hours. I mean literal hours, not five minutes that felt like hours, but real
hours. He would not stop even once he was being held. Now at five he is just
now transitioning to not being afraid to sleep alone.
The sleeping alone thing is something
that bothers my husband and I, but we tend not to mention to others. But
unfortunately he has behaviors that are impossible to hide, such as lying down
while we are shopping. If I stop to look at something he is on the floor. He
does not just sit, he spreads out and it does not matter if it is wet or dirty.
When he was just learning to walk I would make him sit down at my feet
sometimes if he was too active that day. Did I create this bad habit? I try
everything to get him to not lie down, but he always does it. The behavior
could be bearable if other people would just keep their mouths shut, but they
never do. I am amazed at how many parenting experts I have met in my lifetime!
Perhaps it is because of these “experts”
that I am so insecure about being a parent. Do you ever wonder whether or
child’s bad habits or peculiarities are because of something you have done? I
love my son more than anything is this world and I fear that he is going to
have a rough road ahead of him because of these and other difficulties. I hate
the feeling that I could have, in any way, caused any of these difficulties.
I know that
I should not feel that way. I have read numerous studies about the cause of
autism and the fact is that we just do not know. There are so many factors that
may cause autism, but there is no certainty. People constantly tell me about
different foods or ingredients to cut out or add to my son’s diet, but none of
it helps. We were gluten free for years and there was no change in his behavior
or overall health. He is in physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech
therapy and so hopefully in time we will be able to manage his symptoms a
little better. But in the meantime I am just going to enjoy his strong hugs and
cuddles and try to ignore all the “experts” who cross my path.
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